i am entirely OBSESSED with how i look.
i judge others by how they look.
image rules me entirely.

i cry at the drop of a hat.
though you would never know it as it just looks like my eye is watering.


this obsession with my own vanity fucking kills me.
because i will never live up to my own standards.



i am not a 10.
i am not visually perfect and i cant stand it.




I CANT STOP.





I like a girl who eats and BRINGS IT UP
a sassy little frassy with bulimia
her best friend's a PLASTIC SURGEON
and when her Beamer's in the shop she rolls the Benz
manis and pedis on Sundays and Wednesdays
MONEY FROM MOMMY lovely in Versace
costly sprees, it's on at Barney's
and I love to watch her go through fifty g's calmly
she gets naughty with her pilates body
and thinks it's really funny when her nose goes bloody
'cause the blow is SO YUMMY and it keeps her tummy EMPTY
and makes her ACT MORE FRIENDLY

once my flame
and twice my burn

maybe this can be worked out.

only 4 days until chicago.

you should know that i care.
even if it doesnt seem like i do.

9 days.
going to chicago.
thats right.
to the chi-town.
to see amo.
in 9 days... i will be boarding a plane to go and see my best friend whom i havent seen since christmas.

i cant wait to get the fuck away from here and re-compose myself.

i am not enjoying this anymore.
you have no fucking idea.

i want you to understand that my malevolence is just a way to win.
i want you to asphyxiate on the words.
i want you to have just enough rope to hang yourself.
i want you to know that i know...

i want so many things right now and just as i think im getting something right, i come to find out that i am in fact, not even close.
i pretty much hate the world as a whole right now which makes me sick and sad and a whole pile of shit that i dont care to devulge because i cant find the words to articulate what i mean without sounding like a complete nervous wreck... which i dont feel like at this moment in time anyway.

today i want to throw a rock at a window just to see what happens.
because im pretty sure that today i am the window and i dont know what would happen if someone were to throw a rock at me.
would i shatter or crack or just simply repel the rock...

i have a lot of pent up frustration that i cant place.
i want to place it though.
so then i can throw a rock at it.

imagine.

the lions pick their teeth with your bones, christian.
your only crime, was falling in love with a lion.

bigote means mustache.
we used to make fun of our lady spanish teacher and say BIGOTE! really loud in class.
im a bitch.
think about it.

sometimes people are shady
and will act like a completely different person
to throw you off.

and if you have some sort of issue with me
tell me to my fucking face.

if you cant do that and be honest
then you can most certainly feel free to
EAT MY ASS.

i dont really know why i cant get around things.
but im really offended.

realization.
what i think and feel doesnt really matter anyway.

last night i had a dream that i was afflicted with the stigmata.
it left me with a really strange dream residue that felt all too real.
weird things.

"if you saw yourself at a bar, would you ask yourself out?"

..."i would see myself, and go running in the opposite direction."

i think my heart is entirely broken and i feel like curling into a ball and dying tonight.
im sad.
im angry.
im horrified.
im disgusted.
because im being lied to.
and thats not ok.

sometimes the things you say and do scare me.
sometimes im pretty sure that i dont know who you are anymore.


sometimes im pretty sure that i dont know what i think.


sometimes im pretty sure that i should just keep my fucking mouth shut and my thoughts to myself because it doesnt matter anyway.


im sorry for a lot of things that i cant control.

sometimes the things you say and do scare me.
sometimes im pretty sure that i dont know who you are anymore.


sometimes im pretty sure that i dont know what i think.


sometimes im pretty sure that i should just keep my fucking mouth shut and my thoughts to myself because it doesnt matter anyway.


im sorry for a lot of things that i cant control.

ok.

new year.
start fresh.
try again.
things will be less hectic this time around.
or heres hoping.

bree goes to hawaii tomorrow.
i will be alone for ten days.
maybe i can use this time to regroup and try to improve upon a few things that ive been stressed out about.

i will be going to d-town for a visit.
i will spend good quality time with people there that i dont get to see as often as i would like.

i am anxious about a lot of things that i cant quite pin down.

i do not like being lied to.
especially to my face.
i do not like feeling used.
especially when all im trying to do is be a good person.
i do not like being sick.
especially at the least opportune times.
i do not like when it snows and i cant drive because of it.
especially on nights i want to do something outside of my apartment.
i do not like being yelled at.
especially when i havent done anything wrong.
i do not like when i feel like i dont have any friends.
especially because i really need someone to cheer me up and talk to who has a completely unbias opinion.

ummm...
i hate being in duluth because it tears me down into this pile of sadness which is why the only reasons i ever come up is because im getting tattooed or because my parents make me feel obligated.
its funny because i get haggled on the street more in duluth than i do in fcuking minneapolis alone at night.
i wish that i was with bree for christmas because we havent gotten to spend any holidays together yet in over a year.
the plus side of being home is free food and the fact that im getting presents.
im completely broke and have $73 to live off of until february 13th.
(which in large part was due to unforseen happenings which cost lots of money.)
on the up and up however i made it through the first semester of school... which i honestly did not expect to do.
hoo-ray.
i dont go back until january 22nd.
woot.
blah blah babble
end.

thanksgiving was not as stupid this year as anticipated...
but sadly so because none of my relatives got fall down drunk and made inapropriate jokes next to my grandma like usual.
l-a-m-e.

i packed like mad today, and drove over to the new apartment with the car stuffed full of boxes and a vicious cactus (which later attacked as i was trying to unlock the door.)
there i spent a good hour trying to put the few things (that i had a place for) where they should go.
i do not like the process of moving thanks.
doing it alone today was a challenge, but i didnt find myself bored at all.
and it helps that i could take my time and do things my way.

bree came home tonight and that was a happy thing.
she brought me two books of illustrations all by the same artist and they are fantastic.

i do not want to go back to school after this break.